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Jolly Jokes - For the Groan-Ups
(Adults Have a Strange sense of Humour!)
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Jokes sent in by Martin Swanser: (Drummer for The Double Impact
Band)
- My grandmother died on her 90th birthday. It was a terrible shame.....we
were only half way through giving her the bumps at the time!!!
- First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door. Funny sense of
humour my plumber has.
- I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it
down.
- I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing
a cat in there.
- I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just
went on and on.
- I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his
name, it's P something T something R.
- What's E.T. short for? Cos he's got little legs.
- I've just been offered 8 legs of venison for £50. Is that 2 deer?
- The other day I saw a man playing Dancing Queen on the Didgeridoo. I
thought, that's Aboriginal.
- A man goes into a sweet shop and asks for a Boost, a Twirl and a Topic.
The shop assistant says: "Nice eyes," spins around, and then says: "Tony
Blair: hero or villain?"
- My door's made out of sponge... Oi, don't knock it.
- A chicken walks up to a duck stood at the side of the road, and says
'Don't do it mate, you'll never hear the end of it!
- The other day I phoned my local pizza delivery firm and asked for a thin
and crusty supreme. They sent me Diana Ross.
Joke sent in by David Hardwick
ATHEIST IN THE WOODS
An atheist was strolling through the
woods.
"What majestic trees!"
"What powerful rivers!"
"What beautiful animals!" He said to
himself.
As he was walking alongside the
river, he heard a rustling in the
bushes.....
He turned to look and saw a 7-foot
grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that
the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear
was even closer.
He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw
that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and
raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried
out, "Oh my God!"
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent. As a bright
light shone upon the man, a voice came
out of the sky. "You deny my
existence for all these years, teach others I
don't exist and even credit creation
to cosmic accident."
"Do you expect me to help you out of
this predicament? Am I to count you as
a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the
light, "It would be hypocritical of me
to suddenly ask you to treat me as a
Christian now, but perhaps you could
make the BEAR a Christian"?
"Very Well," said the voice. The
light went out. The sounds of the forest
resumed. And the bear dropped his
right paw, brought both paws together,
bowed his head and spoke:
"Lord bless this food, which I am
about to receive from thy bounty through
Christ our Lord, Amen.
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